Chicago man conflicted about his circumcision.

I am a 28 year old gay white male from Chicago. I was circumcised at birth, I'm not sure what method was used. I have one brother who is circumcised, and my father is also circumcised. I don't have any certain knowledge about the other male members of my extended family, but give our background as multiple-generation midwesterners, I'd say it's safe to assume everyone is cut.

I first learned about circumcision in religious class. My family is Catholic and I went to a Catholic school. However, I didn't really understand what it was and thought only Jewish people did it. I assumed I was uncircumcised because 1) my family isn't Jewish, and 2) my penis still looked intact and was the same as every other penis I'd ever seen in real life or in pornography. I assumed circumcision must involve removing the head of the penis.

My worldview was shattered when my mother referenced a medical complication of my circumcision in passing, and I realized I was, in fact, circumcised. This sent me down a spiral of shame and resentment. I was angry with my parents for having circumcised me, and angrier that it was kept from me so long. I began to research circumcision to understand why I was cut and what it meant for me and my sexuality. This sent me down an intactivist rabbit hole and I briefly considered restoration. I watched foreskin porn, explored the history of circumcision, techniques, methods, and read hundreds of testimonials from all sorts of men. Some circumcised, some not.

It inevitably turned to a regular source of sexual stimulation for me, and my thoughts gradually changed. I quickly abandoned the restoration idea when I realized that no new skin could be grown, only the existing skin could be stretched, although I still harbor a secret hope of some future pill that will regrow my foreskin overnight.

Even though I am now content with my RIC penis (I love how it looks and feels), I can't help but feel as though I've missed out on something by being cut so young. I wish I'd had the chance to experience my foreskin and play with it, and make my own decision about being cut. At the same time, I find it very erotic that someone took that choice away from me, and make a split second decision that affects my entire life. In my opinion, RIC cuts look and heal a lot better than circumcisions later in life.

As you might imagine, circumcision is very conflicting for me. It is intensely erotic and a source of pride, but also I have some regret and resentment around the procedure. These two aspects fuel each other, and lead to my general obsession with circumcision, foreskin, and everything to do with them: the culture, the styles, the methods, the power dynamics. I frequently enjoy guessing which celebrity (or real-life friend of mine) is cut or uncut and why. But at the very least, I'm happy to have come to terms with my own status, and hope others can find something relatable in my story.

Lewis